Negotiation is often framed as a battle of wills, with each party focused on what they want to gain. But the truth is, the most successful negotiators approach the process with a different mindset—one that prioritizes understanding what the other party wants rather than fixating solely on their own needs. When you center the negotiation on what the other person is willing to give or pay, you unlock the potential for better outcomes for both sides.
However, many people struggle to ask for what they’re worth or what they truly deserve, often undervaluing themselves out of fear of rejection or discomfort. Let’s explore why this happens and how shifting your perspective can lead to more successful negotiations.
The Misstep of “Need-Based” Negotiation
A common mistake in negotiation is basing your ask on what you need. Whether it’s asking for a raise, setting a price for your services, or finalizing a deal, focusing on your personal financial needs or goals might feel logical—but it often misses the mark.
Why? Because the other person isn’t concerned with what you need. They’re focused on what they want and what they perceive as fair value for what you’re offering. For example:
- An employer offering a salary isn’t considering your rent or student loans; they’re thinking about the value you bring to the role.
- A client hiring you for a service isn’t factoring in your mortgage; they’re weighing the cost against the benefit of your work.
Instead of presenting your needs, shift the conversation to what they’re willing to pay or agree to based on their own priorities and constraints.
The Power of “Value-Based” Negotiation
Successful negotiation is about creating a win-win scenario. This starts by understanding the other person’s motivations, needs, and limits. Here’s how to shift your approach:
- Understand Their Priorities:
Before entering a negotiation, research and consider what matters most to the other party. What problem are they trying to solve? What benefits are they looking for? Tailor your pitch or ask around how you can meet their needs. - Focus on the Value You Provide:
Instead of framing your ask around your needs, frame it around the value you bring. For instance:- “I’m requesting a salary of $X because my skills in [specific area] will help your team achieve [specific goal].”
- “My services are priced at $Y because they’ll save you [time/money] and deliver [specific benefit].”
- Consider What They’re Willing to Pay:
Think about what the other party finds reasonable based on their budget, market standards, or alternatives. This doesn’t mean underselling yourself, but it does mean aligning your ask with their expectations while showcasing why your value justifies the price. - Ask Questions:
Engage the other person in the conversation to better understand their perspective. Questions like, “What’s most important to you in this deal?” or “How do you see us working together?” can reveal valuable insights to guide your negotiation strategy.
Why People Struggle to Ask for Their Worth
Many people undervalue themselves in negotiations because of fear or limiting beliefs, such as:
- Fear of Rejection: Worrying that asking for too much will lead to a flat “no.”
- Imposter Syndrome: Believing they’re not “good enough” to deserve higher pay or better terms.
- Discomfort With Money: Feeling awkward about discussing finances or self-advocating.
These mental blocks often lead to settling for less than you’re worth, even when the other party might have been willing to meet your higher ask. Breaking free from this mindset requires confidence, preparation, and practice.
Practical Tips for Negotiating Your Worth
- Prepare Your Case:
Come to the table with a clear understanding of your value and specific examples of how you can meet the other person’s needs. Preparation breeds confidence. - Start High (But Reasonable):
Asking for a little more than you expect leaves room for negotiation while signaling confidence in your worth. Ensure your starting point aligns with the value you bring. - Stay Professional and Calm:
Negotiation isn’t a personal battle—it’s a professional discussion. Approach it with respect and focus on problem-solving rather than conflict. - Be Willing to Walk Away:
Knowing your bottom line—and being prepared to walk away if it isn’t met—gives you leverage. It also ensures you don’t settle for less than what’s fair.
The Bottom Line: Know Your Worth, But Speak Their Language
Negotiation is an art that balances advocating for yourself with understanding the other party’s needs. The secret to success lies in reframing the conversation: stop focusing on what you need, and instead focus on what they want and how you can meet that need. When you do this, you’re not just asking for what you deserve—you’re demonstrating why you’re worth it.
The next time you negotiate, remember: Your value is real, and there’s no harm in asking for it. By thinking strategically and framing your ask in terms of the other person’s priorities, you’ll not only boost your chances of success but also ensure that you’re never underselling yourself again.