We’ve all had moments where we look back on decisions or missed opportunities and think, I should have done that differently, I would have done that if I had the chance, or I could have done better. This trio of words—shoulda, woulda, coulda—represents the haunting voice of regret, playing over and over in our minds.

While it’s natural to reflect on the past, dwelling on what could have been can trap us in a cycle of self-criticism and inaction. The good news? It’s possible to move beyond the shoulda, woulda, coulda mindset and turn those regrets into opportunities for growth. Let’s explore why we get stuck in this cycle and how we can break free.

Why Do We Get Stuck in Regret?

Regret is a complex emotion. It’s a mix of disappointment, self-blame, and longing for an alternate reality. Here are some common reasons why we find ourselves stuck in a shoulda, woulda, coulda spiral:

  1. The Illusion of Control
    We often believe we had more control over past events than we actually did. In hindsight, the path seems clear, but at the time, we may not have had all the information or resources we needed.
  2. Fear of Missed Opportunities
    Regret often stems from the fear that we’ve missed out on something better—whether it’s a relationship, career move, or personal achievement.
  3. Perfectionism
    When we hold ourselves to impossibly high standards, anything short of perfection can feel like failure, leading us to ruminate on what we should have done differently.
  4. Comparison with Others
    Seeing others succeed where we feel we’ve failed can amplify feelings of regret, making us question our choices and abilities.

The Downside of Dwelling on Regret

While reflecting on past mistakes can provide valuable lessons, excessive regret has its drawbacks:

  • Paralysis: Focusing on past failures can prevent us from taking action in the present.
  • Self-Blame: Constantly replaying shoulda, woulda, coulda moments erodes self-esteem and fosters negativity.
  • Lost Opportunities: Dwelling on the past can blind us to opportunities in the here and now.

Regret is only useful if it leads to change. Otherwise, it’s just a mental weight that holds us back.

How to Move Beyond “Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda”

  1. Accept What Happened
    Acknowledge the past for what it is—unchangeable. Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened; it means you recognize that you can’t undo it.
  2. Reframe Your Perspective
    Instead of viewing mistakes as failures, see them as learning experiences. Ask yourself, What did I learn from this? or How can this make me better going forward?
  3. Focus on the Present
    The only thing you can control is what you do right now. Shift your energy to the present by setting actionable goals or making decisions that align with your current priorities.
  4. Practice Self-Compassion
    Be kind to yourself. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and that perfection is an unrealistic expectation. Treat yourself with the same understanding you would offer a friend.
  5. Turn Regret into Action
    If you regret not taking a chance, use that as motivation to say yes to the next opportunity. If you regret not prioritizing relationships, reach out to a loved one today. Action is the antidote to regret.
  6. Limit Comparisons
    Remind yourself that everyone’s journey is unique. Comparing your choices to others’ successes only adds unnecessary pressure and distracts from your own growth.
  7. Let Go of the “What-Ifs”
    Accept that you can’t explore every path in life. Every decision closes some doors but opens others. Trust that the choices you’ve made have led you to where you need to be.

The Power of Moving On

While shoulda, woulda, coulda moments can be painful, they also remind us of what’s important. They highlight our values, desires, and goals. By addressing regret head-on, we can transform it into a powerful force for change.

Imagine looking back not with regret but with pride—pride that you learned, grew, and used your experiences to build a better future. Instead of asking what could have been, you’ll be living in a way that ensures you’re making the most of what can be.

The Takeaway

“Shoulda, woulda, coulda” may echo in all of our minds at some point, but it doesn’t have to define us. Regret is a natural part of life, but so is growth. By accepting the past, reframing our perspective, and focusing on the present, we can turn regret into a catalyst for positive change.

In the end, life isn’t about avoiding mistakes—it’s about learning from them, moving forward, and making the best of what’s ahead. So, let go of shoulda, woulda, coulda, and start saying can, will, and do. The future is waiting.